How to lose weight in 4 easy steps

This will be the most motivating, funny, entertaining, insane guide with little education on "How to lose weight in 4 easy steps"

Step one: No beer

Every time you drink a beer it's like eating seven slices of bread that's a lot of unnecessary carbs

Avoid beer to lose weight

Step two: Portion control

When eating out at a restaurant cut your meal in half and ask for a takeout container to save the rest for later.

For more diet side of thing, check out: How to lose 2kg a week

Step three: Have your heartbroken

Not just broken but shattered by a girl who never loved you and never will.

Try to get your pieces together and join a gym start going to the gym regularly and even though you don't know that much about exercise and you're way too weak to do pretty much anything but lift five-pound weights with the old people.

Get heartbroken to lose weight

Do it until your sweat makes a puddle on the floor then go home and go to bed and the next day do it again and then again and then again then go to work and listen to stories of your ex-girlfriend, roaming around with gross and terrible people, stories from your coworker friends who think they're doing you a favor.

Pretend that it doesn't bother you. Pretend that being forced to see your ex at work every day isn't killing you. Pretend that everything's fine.

Go to the gym and make more puddles of sweat. Buy books learn about different muscle groups and how they work together to plan out your week of meals.

Try to forget her.

After the gym, one night go all the way up to the top of the parking garage and walk all the way to the back.

Look out of the lights of the skyscrapers of downtown and think about how every single one of those office lights represents a person try to imagine how they feel, what they're doing then realize that most of those lights are probably shining into offices with no one in them. Realize you're alone that you're staring at no one become cripplingly depressed

Locate your car, go to sleep go back to work go to the gym sweat freak out on your ex the next day apologize one day she wears the necklace you bought her and tells you that you got it from someone really special.

That night you discover that slayers angel death might be the perfect song to do squats.

Start to make friends at the gym.

How to lose weight in 4 easy steps

Used to look down on bro nods and fist bumps but since that's how gym rats communicate that's become the language you speak most often max and you spot each other on Wednesdays Vinny and you spot each other on Fridays.

Work gym food sleepover a note or fist bump some more sweat puddles your body changes slowly then all at once you hit your goal weight pick a new one then hit it again you go out and buy new clothes you receive wave after wave of compliments

Your ex tells you that she's seeing someone else.

That night you go to the gym do you run farther and lift more than you thought your body was capable of you go home and eat a single chicken breast and steamed vegetable you go to sleep.

There's a girl you see a lot at the gym who always does these weird leg exercises you've never seen before. You make it a point not to look at her because you're overly worried about looking creepy like that guy in the blue shirt who never wears underwear and always hangs around the lat pulldown machine.

But you notice this girl is always at the gym when you are and seems to always choose the bench next to you. You turn up the slayer and concentrate on making your puddles bigger.

At work, your ex parades a new boyfriend around flatly ignoring you the entire time. He's taller than you in better shape than you and significantly better looking than you.

Leave it!!

That night you benchpress double your body weight. You seek a photo of yourself in the mirror and email to yourself with the subject heading you are a warrior. The next day you are more disgusted with yourself and you've ever been and you delete it immediately.

You make puddle after puddle after puddle any single chicken breasts and work and sleepover and over and over and over and over and over and then something different happens

Night comes when you're not the last person in the gym it's you and the girl who does the weird leg exercises you end up walking out at the same time

Her name is Melissa and she works close by she asks you out to dinner on Friday promising it'll be healthy the leg exercises are pivoting curtsy lunges.

How to lose weight in 4 easy steps: buildings

You start seeing melissa a lot both inside the gym and out you had a couple of cheat days to your week you start getting a lot less sleep your ex calls you late a night but you don't answer one night you're walking melissa to her car and she says she wants to show you something special you both stand there in the dark looking out over the lights of downtown isn't it pretty

She says with all those lights you tell her that you think it is but it also makes you feel sad all those lights mean nothing they're just shining into cold lonely offices with nobody in them but

Melissa tells you that each light is an empty office but they're only empty because the people have all gone home for the day each one's a person who's at home happy with the one they love you to look at around the lights and she smiles something in your chest expands

Late one Sunday afternoon you're writing out your rent check and realize it's been exactly a year since you started working out.

You think of all those miles you've run those pounds you've lifted and the chicken you've eaten and bottles you've made and it doesn't seem that bad you realize that it's not about hitting a goal weight or lifting weights it's about weighting being patient trusting that life will slowly inch along and things will get better after all change takes time but time is all it takes.

Step Four: No fruit juice

There is too much of sugar in fruit juices

That's it for this post. Just follow this guide specifically step 3 and lose kgs.

Posts you might also like...